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Maybe this time it'll work. George Carlin (2002). Quotations by George Carlin, American Comedian, Born May 12, 1937. In a career that spanned over 50 years, what remained constant was his opinionated nature and take no prisoners approach to comedy. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid, number 2 on Comedy Centrals 100 best comedians list, 25 Hilariously Honest Chelsea Handler Quotes, Beyonce Quotes: The Best Lyrics and Lines From Lemonade, Adele Quotes: The Best Lyrics and Lines from 19, 21 and 25, The Weeknd Quotes: The 25 Best Lines & Lyrics On Love. May you have them both. George Carlin. May your birthday bring you good luck to last for the whole year. Next View All. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.18.In America, anyone can become president. Commentdocument.getElementById("comment").setAttribute("id","ad25fff6afc452fed4d50cd58278ff8c");document.getElementById("i20ae56af4").setAttribute("id","comment"); Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse. "Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. His stand up routines have covered everything from politics and religion to relationships and the world around us. 172 Copy quote. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. Because there's no money in that problem. Be happy with what you've got, because the owners of this country don't want that. On Comedy: "I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately." And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. 1.Heres all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. God gave us the gift of life; it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well. Carlin was always fearless and took pride in never running from conflict. I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. However, he is mostly known for his dark comedy that sheds light on a variety of subjects like politics, psychology, taboo subjects, religion and the English language. Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. You know why? It certainly qualifies. Forget the politicians. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence?, Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it., Religion has convinced people that theres an invisible manliving in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. Good. Carlin is well-known for pivoting from a strait-laced, suit-and-tie approach to standup in the late 1960s and early . One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. It will not be with jack-boots. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.". Did you hear me? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. If youre looking for a glimpse of what George Carlins comedy gigs look like, here is a masterpiece from his HBO special known as the Life Is Worth Living. Its an amazing and hilarious 10 minute clip offering a highlight of what this guy was capable of. "He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.". Show more. - George Carlin. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin. Oh especially three. There's no present. Enter your account data and we will send you a link to reset your password. Get curated quotes straight into your inbox before everyone else! 500 matching entries found. Took some time to get there, but it's absolutely amazing once you arrive. If you have quotes you would like us to cover, please contact us. That's our history. He had an uncanny ability to cut through the clutter of everyday life, and for this, we want to honor this man with our favorite inspirational quotes from George Carlin. Mickey Mouse's birthday being announced on the television news as if it were an actual event! George Carlin. Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom. I wanna live. 500 matching entries found. "George Carlin: You Are All Diseased". "The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.". There's only the immediate future and the recent past. We just can't stop people from being homeless if that's their choice. Wishing you all the best in your 60th Birthday. I hate groups of people. Documentary, Comedy, 2005. May you have a delicious and partylicious birthday! Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. 3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?, p.205, Hachette UK. What started as a bad first impression, became an invitation to join the football team, and a mentor who would impact his life forever. That's exactly what I want you to think. George Carlin was an outspoken comic, known for his brash sense of humor, foul language and controversial views on politics, religion and other sensitive subjects. Yippee your birthday is finally here. The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election. Famous Birthday Quote. George Carlin (2015). Happy Birthday! George Denis Patrick Carlin was born May 12, 1937, in the Bronx, New York. There's a humorous side to every situation. Submit Quote George Carlin On Birthdays Quotes & Sayings Showing search results for "George Carlin On Birthdays" sorted by relevance. Custom and user added quotes with pictures, If a movie is described as a romantic comedy you can usually find me next door playing pinball, When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons, I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. "The planet is fine. Share with friends. Try spelling Evian backward.10.Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups., 11.Careful, if you think too much, theyll take you away.12.Think off-center.13.Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.14.Dont just teach your children to read. People are wonderful. been here 4 1/2 billion years. 31. You know an odd feeling? William Butler Yeats: "From our birthday, until we die, / Is but the winking of an eye." Plato: "Old age: A great sense of calm and freedom. The older you get, the more attractive you become. Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. He's the subject of a new documentary. He loves you and he needs money., If it requires a uniform, its a worthless endeavor., Soft rock music isnt rock, and it aint music. Happy 60th Birthday! Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same a**hole your father was.61.One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.62.There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. tags: humor , sci-fi , sleep. Related Topics. Have you ever noticed that the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving problems is to declare war on it? Try spelling Evian backward. I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept. TV Special, www.imdb.com. 60 really looks great on you! cancer, the war on drugs. At his wife's 60th birthday party in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, d..k Cheney had a huge steak and battered onion rings for dinner. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. That's the problem." "Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out." " Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity ." "Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups." What does it mean to pre-board? Maybe this time itll work., One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor., Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesnt mean the circus has left town., Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity., Its never just a game when youre winning., I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me theyre cramming for their final exam., Honesty may be the best policy, but its important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy., People who say they dont care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they dont care what people think., I dont have pet peeves I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!, Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that., A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff., If its true that our species is alone in the universe, then Id have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little., Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. Napalm & Silly Putty, Hyperion. Happy Birthday to you! I dont wanna die. The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity. One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. What occurs as you age is an accumulation of information, data, knowledge, and what I'm going to call the matrix of the mind. Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. It was this attitude that earned him 14 HBO specials, 4 Grammys, number 2 on Comedy Centrals 100 best comedians list and a legion of fans around the world. I always think of that. Chris Rock. Cars are a fairly unpleasant thing to have to draw. "Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. So, I dislike and despise groups of people but I love individuals. I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. I like Florida. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. Showing search results for "George Carlin Birthday" sorted by relevance. Best of Carlin On Weather. Deal with it.3.Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and dont have time for all that.4.Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.5.A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.6.Some people have no idea what theyre doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.7.The caterpillar does all the work, but thebutterflygets all the publicity.8.Never argue with an idiot. There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Like. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? You are just turning 20 for the third time. Home. Thank you! If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. Every passing year brings in an experience and a hope for tomorrow. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. Oftentimes, tasks can sometimes [] More, 99% of passengers couldnt identify this world class musician, Joshua Bell, a world class violinist, decides to play the violin for 45 minutes in a busy train station. George Carlin (1998). I love individuals. Happy Birthday to the most lovable and adorable star on this planet. What does it mean to pre-board? In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. Fewer Texans. What does it mean to pre-board? No money to be made off of the homeless. Napalm & Silly Putty, Hyperion, George Carlin (2004). Happy 65th Birthday! BrainyQuote has been providing inspirational quotes since 2001 to our worldwide community. If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. The Kennedy Center posthumously awarded this year's Mark Twain Prize for American Humor to George Carlin. Happy Birthday! Our views are no different: the man was a legend. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong., Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?, The reason I talk to myself is that Im the only one whose answers I accept., When youre born you get a ticket to the freak show. Custom and user added quotes with pictures. You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets.supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain. I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesnt want you to do. If I live to see your grandchildren, I'm going to tell them all the Birthday pranks we played on you every year. I gravitated toward being a funny guy. "In America, anyone can become president. Updated on May 30, 2018. They should be more vivid. George Carlin (1998). I dont have pet peeves I have major psychotic f***** hatreds! Tony Abbott. Maybe this time itll work., 31.If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, youre going to have selfish, ignorant leaders.32.Conservatives say if you dont give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest.